剑4- TEST2雅思小作文批改范例

如何修改自己的雅思小作文？自己究竟哪里还需要改进呢？老师以下面这篇学生的作文为例，分析其中的不足之处。
以剑桥4-TEST2的Task1为例：

学员习作原稿：

The first chart shows that typical daily demand for electricity in England between winter and summer is quite different. The second chart illustrates what the electricity is used for during the same period in an average English home.

According to the graph, the demand for electricity during typical days is more than twice as much in winter(35,000 units of electricity)than in summer(15,000 units of electricity).Then, the much higher typical daily demand for electricity approximately peaks at 21 hrs in winter, while it about bottoms at 7 hrs. On the other hand, in summer, the demand for electricity peaks at14 hrs and it bottoms at 23 hrs in one day. And they seem to the same level of 20,000 units of electricity.

In addition, how electricity is used in an average appears to two sectors. One main sectors are both heating rooms and heating water at 52.5%. Another sectors followed by ovens, kettles and washing machines at 17.5%.Also,the electricity is used for lighting, TV and radio at 15% as well as these sectors of vacuum cleaners, food mixers and electric tools.

老师点评：

1）段落安排不合理，两个图的图表作文分两段即可，好把介绍图表的一个句子放在每一段段。
2）部分数据失实
3）部分词句表达不地道
4）部分内容衔接有误
5）词汇、句子结构缺乏变化
6）遣词造句缺乏精确度

老师修改稿：

The first chart shows that typical daily demand for electricity in England in winter and summer is quite different. According to the line graph, the demand for electricity during typical days is more than twice as much in winter as it is in summer, peaking at 45,000 units at 10 p.m. in winter while bottoming at 30,000 units at 8 a.m. On the other hand, in summer, the demand for electricity peaks at 20,000 units at 2 p.m. and bottoms at 15,000 units at 9 a.m. in a day. Overall, the bottoming demand in summer days and the peaking demand in summer evenings come one hour later than the corresponding figures in winter.

The pie chart shows that electricity is mainly used in 4 sectors in an average English home. Over a half of electricity (52.5%) is used for heating rooms or water, which can greatly explain why the electricity use is so high in winter. Another significant proportion of electricity (17.5%) is used by ovens, kettles and washing machines. The electricity used for lighting, TV and radio is at 15%, which is matched by the electricity used by vacuum cleaners, food mixers and electric tools.
(196 words)