雅思作文批改教育培训 雅思作文批改第四弹

写得很好，切题，逻辑紧密，关键是风格很自然，给人一种真正在论证的感觉。句型多变，而且语法和拼写没有错误，目前 7.5分
It is an undeniable fact that a country’s developing should responsible for the environmental pollution,as environmental pollution is mostly resulted from industrial production -the most important industry to develop economy.However,I intend to argue that progress of human’s civilization is not necessarily at the expense of environmental damage. 最后一句有跑题的误解

The past century has witnessed that the panoply of countries realized the industrialization with no thought for the environmental protection.From 1860,the Britain Industial Revolution,the quality of air has been worse in less than 200 years than ever before.London was even called “the city of fog”. However,we are in different times now.The developing countries have the ability to make a change with advanced technology in modern times.
Firstly,due to the improvements of the technology,the efficiency of using the energy has been largely raised.Furthermore,making more use of environmental-friendly energy has also minimize the damage of the pollution.Secondly,Many waste warter treatment plants have been founded in many cities,the household garbage has been put into the incinerator and rubbish has been classified and even recycled instead of being transported to landfills directly.Thirdly,the pollution problem is attracting every person’s attention.The Kobenhavn Summit has demonstrated the determination that people from the world around are taking sigificant efforts to tackle the problems.No matter the wealth or those mired in poverty all sat in front of the table to discuss the solutions. According to the newly-amended regulations issued in the summit ,enterprises can no longer emit any harmful materials randomly. 要把分论点适度展开，不要一带而过
By way of conclution/ 关联词不用太花哨了，用 in conclusion 就可以了,with the united efforts on such pervasive basis, I believe developing countries have no need to follow the past experiences and old habits.I suggest that developed countries provide the developing countries with aid in capital and technology,helping them inoculate the environment against the pollution at the same time of promoting the ecnonomic growth.

雅思作文批改第四弹 [网络可以替代学校吗]

Some people believe that school are no longer necessary, because students can get so much information through the Internet,and study just as well at home.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
审题:
1. 题干: 网络时代, 学校不再必要. A/D 没有陷阱
2. 结构：开头段 + 让步 + 观点段 + 结尾段
3. 观点：internet 优点 （方便，信息量大）， 但同时有缺点（互动，要求时间管理和自律，信息筛查，信息碎片化）
学校优点（综合能力发展）
开头段
①It has been claimed that nowdays pupils can gain a variety numbers of learning resources from the Internet, and it is the same for students to study at home, ②so there is no need for school to educate students. ③From my perspective,i do not agree with this statement.
[1]有用法错误和意思错误
a. nowadays 而不是 nowdays
b. a variety numbers of 是错误用法. 可以用 a large variety of 或者 a variety of
c. 果你这里说家里学习和学校学习same的话 后面论证学校的优点就没意义了, 用from the internet, which makes it possible for students to
[2] so there is no need 和前面的it has been claimed 太远了. 可以改成Some claim
schooling is no longer needed as pupil can gain a variety of learning resources from the internet, which make it possible for students to study at home.
[3] 我一向建议直接 I disagree with them 就可以了， 不用搞那些花花。
[4] 综: Some claim schooling is no longer needed as pupil can gain a variety of learning resources from the internet, which make it possible for them to study at home. I disagree with them.
让步驳斥段
① Internet is a powerful tool to engage students,because it can make lesson more interesting. ② Students can study whenever or wherever they want at their own pace by using online study resources. ③ In addition,pupils can learn some employable skills which can make them secure a decent job in the future. ④ For example,they can learn how to write reports using word processor which cannot be seen in school curriculum. ⑤ Therefore, learners can receive well-rounded knowledge through the Internet.
[1][2] 要学会整合信息, 不然读起来毫无逻辑性. With abundant information available on line, Internet can serve as a charming and convenient tool for study as it enables students to enjoy knowledge acquisition, study whenever and wherever possible and learn things at their own pace.
[3]a. employable skills 这是个奇怪的说法useful/practical skills都是常见的用法
b. secure a decent job for them
c. Also, students can learn from the internet some practical knowledge and skills excluded from school courses to secure a decent job for themselves.
[4] 这个文字处理牵强了点吧, 我觉得还不如说 how to programme or use popular software
[5] 这句没必要咯
综: 这个最好是把两个观点顺序调一下头, 先说能学到, 再说能让人有兴趣地方便地学.
First of all, students can learn from the Internet some practical knowledge and skills excluded from school courses to secure a decent job for themselves. With abundant information available online, furthermore, Internet can serve as a charming and convenient tool for study as it enables students to enjoy knowledge acquisition, study whenever and wherever possible and learn things at their own pace.
观点段
①However, Internet is no substitute for schools, because school knows what study materials to choose and learners need a structured course. ②There is not doubt that there are a massive numbers of information, but it is too hard for students to figure out whether it is useful or not. ③Thus,pupils may spend too much time on filtering ineffective information and searching valuable resources which seems time-wasting for learners. ④Furthermore, Internet can easily distract students from studying, because there are so many online games in contemporary, without school’s supervision ,pupils may addicted to online gaming and drop out of studying.
[1] school knows what study materials to choose and learners need a structured course. 这一句稍微有点问题, and 后面不应该变换主语. because schools can choose study materials and plan courses according to the academic ability of their students.
[2] 表意不到位 The abundance of information online is not as useful as it seems to be for it is too hard for students to figure out which is suitable for them.
[3] 车轱辘话, 前面说了 too much, 后面没必要再说time - wasting了
[4] a. in contemporary 没必要 there is 就表明时间了, 这里可以用beckon to them 诱惑着他们.
b. 如果后面不加解释 如此..以至于 的话, 前面不要用so
c. without前面肯定要断句的
d. addicted 前面要加become
e. drop out of study 一般drop out 和 school 用, 但这里有点严重了. 说slack off够了吧
后面说一个原因as they are often not able to discipline themselves and manage time well.
综: However, Internet is no substitute for schools mainly because schools can choose study materials and plan courses according to the level of their students. In addition, the abundance of information online is deceivingly useful as it is time - consuming for students to figure out which is suitable for them. Lastly, Internet can easily distract students from studying, as there are so many online games beckoning to them. Without the supervision of school ,pupils may become addicted to online gaming and slack off as they are often not able to discipline themselves and manage time well.
这一段完成得偏了, 应该从学校的角度来写
结尾段
From the discussion above, it is ridiculous to say that school are no longer necessary, as schooling can do more than just knowledge delivery. And if students can make full use of online resources it will definitely serve as commentary means to school education and help them to have better grades.(251 words)
Task Response 5.0
Coherence & Cohesion 5.0
Lexical Resources 5.5
Grammar Accuracy 5.0
Overall 5.0
观点安排失当. 包括断句在内的基本语法错误. 定语从句的分类不懂.
需要改进的第一就是整篇结构, 学会安排观点, 第二学会断句
这两点做到了先拿到5.5