雅思作文修改：网络代替学校 画龙点睛

雅思考试主要是通过对考生听、说、读、写四个方面英语能力的考核，综合测评考生的英语沟通运用能力，实现“沟通为本”的考试理念。对于雅思考生来说，也有很多考试难点和政策盲区需要帮助解答。今天雅思无忧网小编准备了雅思作文修改：网络代替学校 画龙点睛，希望通过文章来解决雅思考生这方面的疑难问题，敬请关注。

雅思作文修改：网络代替学校

很多同学发来四段式的作文给我，但是真正能写好四段式的没有几个，下面这篇的错误比较典型，给大家参考。

题目如下：schools are no longer necessary, because children can get so much information available through Internet, and they can study just as well at home.What extent do you agree or disagree?

Scientific developments have brought us many benefits, among which the internet must be the most spectacular one. In the near future, it might take the place of schools so that it is convenient for children to obtain knowledge.

我很高兴地看到你可以把上课时讲的很多句子和单词应用在这篇四段式文章中，但是我划横线的句子表现出了你一定的倾向性，你可以把这句改为（there has long been a discussion about the opinion that whether the internet could take the place of schools.）这样可以做到客观的引入话题，而不表明观点。

With time going by, Internet has become an encyclopedia in some degree. It seems that there are an increasing number of children are fund of getting information from the Internet. Some of them are in a great need of gaining information while others just surf it as a hobby. As is known to all that encyclopedia is large enough to satisfy those little children and of course the knowledge in textbooks is included. In that case, there is no need to employ teachers to teach children. As a result children can study just as well at home and get a good grade.

However, there are certainly demerits in studying at home with the Internet. People who make the webpages can make mistakes and some knowledge is completely wrong. As a child, it is not an easy job to distinguish the information. Unlike at home, children are able to obtain knowledge in a systematic way. Besides, children who study at home are more withdrawn than those who study at schools. What is more, children don’t require teachers and that means people who now are teachers will lose their jobs. It may cause the dissipation of human resources and their families are in great trouble of making a living.

上面一段有两个问题：

1.负面的问题我觉得分析的不够，错误应该只是一个小的方面，更重要的应该是：没有人引导，孩子的学习效率会比较低下。

2.我读了划横线的句子后，感觉你的观点应该是支持网络替代学校，因为你用了，certainly这个让步词，但是你在下面一段却表明了跟我的猜测相反的观点，前后不一致，这个是致命的错误。

My view is that schools are still necessary in the future. That is the best way for children to not only get their knowledge in a systematic way but also develop their interpersonal skills. Internet is, in the long run , just a tool to widen their horizons.

如果我打分的话，Band 5

画龙点睛--雅思作文收尾

本文为环球雅思名师严春华老师专供无忧雅思网作品，转载须注明作者和出处

应该说，中英文在议论文的结尾，还是有些微妙的差别的。雅思作文的结尾往往比开头和主题句还要重要，最起码应避免明显中式表达的痕迹，不必喊口号或者抒情（结尾常见的两大误区喔）。总的原则是：可以重申全文要点，可以提出具体措施，再加上地道，至少是书面语的措辞，就是一个好的雅思作文结尾！

请看这么一道题及其结尾：

V104 Wild animals have no place in the 21st century. Some people think that preventing these wild animals from dying out is a waste of resource. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

结尾1：

Someone said safeguard of wild animals is a waste of resource, but I do not agree. It seems we would spend some time, wealth and manpower on this meaningless thing. Actually we also do this for human being ourselves. let’s protect wild animals right now.

评：结尾第一句话，是对于考官给出的观点的转述，应放在文章开头就出现。结尾不是申明中心句，而应是对全文观点的总结。大作文要收的坚定有力，seems让文章显得说服力不足，meaningless跟全文观点相孛。最后一句有喊口号的意味，不符合英语议论文的习惯，同样的意思可改换客观平实的文风收尾。

结尾2：

To sum up, we can not live without wild animals due to their profound effects on us. For this reason, we should try our best to protect them. Let’s remember one thing---- protecting wild animals is equivalent to protecting ourselves.

评：双重否定表示强调，是英语议论文的常见手法,令结尾收的坚定有力。Profound effects深远影响很好地呼应了文中提到过的野生动物保护的意义，令文章浑然一体。作者的观点跟结尾1作者观点完全一样，但采用了平实的陈述口气，并用了书面的地道词汇，equivalent to ,是一个很不错的结尾。

结尾3：

Certainly, our diet cannot be without meat. There are living stocks, which can provide us with sufficient and nutritious produce. Therefore, we need not to resort to wild animals, especially the endangered ones. To protect animals is to protect our living environment. Every individual should join efforts to keep the diversity of animals.

评：作者不仅会用否定句表达强调，还很及时地采用了让步式的收尾，指出，人当然要吃肉，但有众多家畜，不必杀戮野生动物，尤其是濒危的物种。让步式结尾让文章显的客观公正，符合英语议论文的要求和习惯，总体很有说服力。再加上语言上同样成功，地道的措辞，如，living stocks, sufficient and nutritious, resort to (诉诸于)，endangered ones, join efforts, diversity 是一篇8分作文的经典结尾。

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