雅思作文修改：网络代替学校 戴着镣铐的舞蹈——浅谈雅思作文

雅思考试主要是通过对考生听、说、读、写四个方面英语能力的考核，综合测评考生的英语沟通运用能力，实现“沟通为本”的考试理念。对于雅思考生来说，也有很多考试难点和政策盲区需要帮助解答。今天雅思无忧网小编准备了雅思作文修改：网络代替学校 戴着镣铐的舞蹈——浅谈雅思作文，希望通过文章来解决雅思考生这方面的疑难问题，敬请关注。

雅思作文修改：网络代替学校

很多同学发来四段式的作文给我，但是真正能写好四段式的没有几个，下面这篇的错误比较典型，给大家参考。

题目如下：schools are no longer necessary, because children can get so much information available through Internet, and they can study just as well at home.What extent do you agree or disagree?

Scientific developments have brought us many benefits, among which the internet must be the most spectacular one. In the near future, it might take the place of schools so that it is convenient for children to obtain knowledge.

我很高兴地看到你可以把上课时讲的很多句子和单词应用在这篇四段式文章中，但是我划横线的句子表现出了你一定的倾向性，你可以把这句改为（there has long been a discussion about the opinion that whether the internet could take the place of schools.）这样可以做到客观的引入话题，而不表明观点。

With time going by, Internet has become an encyclopedia in some degree. It seems that there are an increasing number of children are fund of getting information from the Internet. Some of them are in a great need of gaining information while others just surf it as a hobby. As is known to all that encyclopedia is large enough to satisfy those little children and of course the knowledge in textbooks is included. In that case, there is no need to employ teachers to teach children. As a result children can study just as well at home and get a good grade.

However, there are certainly demerits in studying at home with the Internet. People who make the webpages can make mistakes and some knowledge is completely wrong. As a child, it is not an easy job to distinguish the information. Unlike at home, children are able to obtain knowledge in a systematic way. Besides, children who study at home are more withdrawn than those who study at schools. What is more, children don’t require teachers and that means people who now are teachers will lose their jobs. It may cause the dissipation of human resources and their families are in great trouble of making a living.

上面一段有两个问题：

1.负面的问题我觉得分析的不够，错误应该只是一个小的方面，更重要的应该是：没有人引导，孩子的学习效率会比较低下。

2.我读了划横线的句子后，感觉你的观点应该是支持网络替代学校，因为你用了，certainly这个让步词，但是你在下面一段却表明了跟我的猜测相反的观点，前后不一致，这个是致命的错误。

My view is that schools are still necessary in the future. That is the best way for children to not only get their knowledge in a systematic way but also develop their interpersonal skills. Internet is, in the long run , just a tool to widen their horizons.

如果我打分的话，Band 5

戴着镣铐的舞蹈——浅谈雅思作文

　　有人把翻译比作是带着镣铐在跳舞，镣铐是指原文的束缚，是说译者必须忍受原文的折磨，苦苦推敲，追求在原文基础上的美的最大化，未免把原文比喻得太不人道，而把翻译的过程说得也太过凄惨。可是为了把雅思写作说得苦点，我还准备借用这个比喻。

　　雅思作文的结构其实是外国小孩子初学写作就知道了的事，第一段写introduction, 下来是主体段落，所谓body paragraphs, 主体段落每一段的第一句话是topic sentence, 最后是conclusion。还有形形*的雅思写作模板，是根据不同的题型分类，在三段式的基础上的延伸。三段式十分老土，但也十分经典，非常清楚，便于下笔。好像装修房子，其实越简单的东西就越耐看；也好像找老婆，越是把脸蛋搞得复杂的，越是难以把握。雅思作文的写作模板，有些同学喜欢背诵，也是可以的，但一定要会变通。如果我们把雅思作文的结构和模板比作镣铐，其实也是合理的，因为作文如同做人，从来是没有百分之百的自由的。同样是三段式，有人写的文章不忍卒读，而罗素写的What I Have Lived for竟然成了名篇。可见文章向来是比文字和思想的，因为罗素写的文章的结构和小学生写的文章结构是没办法比出高下的。镣铐是戴了，下来就看你舞得如何了，有人要跳国标，有人要跳探戈，有人要Jazz，有人要贴面，这就是差异，文如其人嘛。比如我写作，是属于比较贾岛的那种，用词喜欢精雕细琢，老想让人看得心惊肉跳（而我蹦迪，只有一个动作，一只手在空中来回比划，像是指着一个仇人的鼻梁在骂，又像在告诉学生选择题的正确答案），或许这就是文风吧。但是基本上雅思作文是属于比较国标的，因为作为一种controlled writing（规定式作文），它测试的是利用语言生存的能力，像你能不能在吃了一顿后悔饭后写封信给那个该死的餐馆发发牢骚，或者能不能描述一下阅读过程中碰到的一个图表，或者能不能就北大才子在长安街头*肉这样的事发一通议论，所以它不是看你舞得多花骚，甩没甩头发，扭没扭*，老老实实搓三步搓四步才是正经。但是跳一种保险的舞蹈并不是说你的舞蹈就可以没有看点，要得高分，还得有些亮点，还要能听到一些掌声。同学们千万不要让僵硬的模板窒息了自己的创造性。2003年9月20日的大作文，是问你同意不同意妇女参军的Agree or Disagree题型。这类作文第一段第一句背景交待，下来是说一些人认为如何如何另一些人认为如何如何，然后我同意前者/后者，我认为如何如何，再来一个for the following reasons。这样的模板是两刃剑。我当时给同学们是这样写的：

　　The war on Iraq which broke out early this year witnessed the controversial roles woman soldiers played in a modern war. Yet, while some countries encourage women to wear military uniforms, others discourage this vulnerable sex from becoming armed monsters. To be frank, I am a traditional man who always associates women with feeding bottles, needles and cooking utensils while men with swords and gunpowder.

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