雅思作文修改:是否应鼓励更多人每天穿传统服装 雅思作文素材库

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雅思作文修改:是否应鼓励更多人每天穿传统服装

注：一篇学生的习作，里面出现的问题，尤其是首段出现的问题很值得各位雅思学员注意。

希望大家看完原文的开头之后，应该思考我们课堂上所讲的文章开头的背景交代的改写方法。

Topic: In many countries people no longer wear their national costumes. They are forgetting their history and traditions, more people should be encouraged to wear their national costumes everyday. Do you agree or disagree.

原文：

In this day and age, as a pace of social development, a various kinds of clothes are winning tremendous popularity in some countries. But in the meantime, it has drawn a great deal of attention to the problem that whether more people should be encouraged to wear national clothes everyday. As far as I am concerned, people should not wear them per day.

In the first place, it is generally acknowledge that traditional clothes of some countries are unconvenient for national residents to work. It is a fact that some of their costumes, such as kimono of Japan,cheongsam of china and Korea-style cothes, they are too long and big to work. In particular policemen and doctors,these careers are hard to be done if they are wearing such clothes.

In the second place, not wearing national costumes doesnot mean their citizens forgetting their history and traditions. Some countries’ history and traditions are still studied by young children. Take Japanese as an example, they always knee down when they are eating meals.

Finally, clothes should be kept abreast with step of social development. The style of clothes can mirror the custom in a period of time in a country. Dr. Wang who especialize in sociey asses*ent supported this view in a paper. And he said that people living in this fast-pace society should wear neat clothes which are conveninet when they are working.

To sum up, I completely disagree with wiew that people wear the national clothes everyday in the current society. In my opinion, with amount of colthes into our lives,our daily lives should be colorful and fashionable.

点评：

1. 原文开头模板痕迹比较明显，而且未能将背景信息交代清楚。应该按照课上所讲审题步骤理清文章的习作思路：即，BI(Background information)+WT(writing tasks)。因此，首段应该交代好背景信息和自己的观点（已交代）。

2. 原文中部分句子之间的Cohesion出现问题。如， “Some countries’ history and traditions are still studied by young children.” 是对上句的佐证，需加入对比联系词in fact/ on the contrary

3. 文章多次出现单词拼写错误，希望引起足够重视。

4. 文章最后可以在分析不必要性之后，提出消除人们担心的办法。

修改：

雅思作文素材库

I. Are cars doing more harm than good?

Arguments

1. Cars are evils resulting from modernization, for they make people suffer rather than enjoy life.
2. Traffic accidents caused by cars not only bring death and injury, but also make people suffer mentally and psychologically.
3. Every year car owners have to pay vast sums to the exchequer: road tax, purchase tax, oil tax, etc. This is a big drain on their resources.
4. Since China has such a large population, the popularisation of private cars will only bring about serious social problems.
5. Cars should be done away with. We should try to find a safer means of transport which will bring joy and comfort rather than injury and death.
6. The roads are so often jammed with cars that ambulances and fire engines find it difficult to fulfil their duties.
7. People's hidden frustrations and disappointments are brought to the surface when they drive.
8. Road networks for cars have not only made cities uninhabitable, but also desecrated the countryside.
9. Cars often produce air pollution and fill the cities with unbearable noise.
10. Cars are the cause of traffic accidents. All over the world thousands upon thousands of people are killed or injured every year.

Counter-arguments

1. Motor cars are highly desirable for obvious reasons. We should recognize this and adapt ourselves.
2. Motor cars enable people to become more mobile. Without cars, the world would still consist of isolated communities.
3. If there are more cars in China's rural areas, people can get to cities more easily. The gap between town and country will become *aller.
4. Possessing a car gives one a much greater degree of mobility, enabling him to move around freely.
5. The owner of a car is not forced to rely on public transport and is, therefore, not compelled to work locally.
6. Long distances can be covered rapidly and pleasantly.
7. Buses are often crowded and slow, especially during rush-hour. If there are more cars, people can get around more easily.
8. With the popularisation of cars, the suburbs will become more developed, and the downtown area will be less crowded.
9. Cars and motorists are not to blame for road accidents. Problems like too many road signs, faulty traffic lights, sudden narrowing of a street and congested parking are the real cause of traffic accidents.
10. There must be universal adoption of multi-storey and underground car parks so that car-parks won’t become a problem.

II. Are pets good for mankind?

Arguments

1. Pets are of particular importance to children in this Plastic Age when most of us live in large cities.
2. Watching the everyday activities of a pet helps a child to understand nature and cope with problems.
3. Learning to care for a pet helps a child to grow up into a loving * who feels responsible towards those dependent on him.

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