雅思作文修改:是否应鼓励更多人每天穿传统服装 雅思作文中的常用例子集

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雅思作文修改:是否应鼓励更多人每天穿传统服装

注：一篇学生的习作，里面出现的问题，尤其是首段出现的问题很值得各位雅思学员注意。

希望大家看完原文的开头之后，应该思考我们课堂上所讲的文章开头的背景交代的改写方法。

Topic: In many countries people no longer wear their national costumes. They are forgetting their history and traditions, more people should be encouraged to wear their national costumes everyday. Do you agree or disagree.

原文：

In this day and age, as a pace of social development, a various kinds of clothes are winning tremendous popularity in some countries. But in the meantime, it has drawn a great deal of attention to the problem that whether more people should be encouraged to wear national clothes everyday. As far as I am concerned, people should not wear them per day.

In the first place, it is generally acknowledge that traditional clothes of some countries are unconvenient for national residents to work. It is a fact that some of their costumes, such as kimono of Japan,cheongsam of china and Korea-style cothes, they are too long and big to work. In particular policemen and doctors,these careers are hard to be done if they are wearing such clothes.

In the second place, not wearing national costumes doesnot mean their citizens forgetting their history and traditions. Some countries’ history and traditions are still studied by young children. Take Japanese as an example, they always knee down when they are eating meals.

Finally, clothes should be kept abreast with step of social development. The style of clothes can mirror the custom in a period of time in a country. Dr. Wang who especialize in sociey asses*ent supported this view in a paper. And he said that people living in this fast-pace society should wear neat clothes which are conveninet when they are working.

To sum up, I completely disagree with wiew that people wear the national clothes everyday in the current society. In my opinion, with amount of colthes into our lives,our daily lives should be colorful and fashionable.

点评：

1. 原文开头模板痕迹比较明显，而且未能将背景信息交代清楚。应该按照课上所讲审题步骤理清文章的习作思路：即，BI(Background information)+WT(writing tasks)。因此，首段应该交代好背景信息和自己的观点（已交代）。

2. 原文中部分句子之间的Cohesion出现问题。如， “Some countries’ history and traditions are still studied by young children.” 是对上句的佐证，需加入对比联系词in fact/ on the contrary

3. 文章多次出现单词拼写错误，希望引起足够重视。

4. 文章最后可以在分析不必要性之后，提出消除人们担心的办法。

修改：

雅思作文中的常用例子集

发贴：vivilove007

Success
Bill Gates
When Bill Gates made his decision to drop out from Harvard, he did not care too much of the result. Gates entered Harvard in 1973, and dropped out two years later when he and Allen started the engine of Microsoft. Many people did not understand why Gates gave up such a good opportunity to study in the world’s No.1 University. However, with size comes power, Microsoft dominates the PC market with its operating systems, such as MS-DOS and Windows. Now, Microsoft becomes the biggest software company in the world and Bill Gates becomes the richest man in the world.

We can learn from the experience of the great inventor Thomas Alva Edison that sometimes a series of apparent failures is really a precursor to success. The voluminous personal papers of Edison reveal that his inventions typically did not spring to life in a flash of inspiration but evolved slowly from previous woks.

Mother Teresa
Mother Teresa, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, dedicated the majority of her life to helping the poorest of the poor in India, thus gaining her the name "Saint of the Gutters." The devotion towards the poor won her respect throughout the world and the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979. She founded an order of nuns called the Missionaries of Charity in Calcutta, India dedicated to serving the po123 Almost 50 years later, the Missionaries of Charity have grown from 12 sisters in India to over 3,000 in 517 missions throughout 100 countries worldwide.
Lady Diana Spencer, Princess of Whales, is remembered and respected by people all over the world more for her beauty, kindness, humanity and charitable activities than for her technical skills.

Mandela
Mandela, the South African black political leader and former president, was awarded 1993 Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to antiraci* and antiapartheid. Nelson Mandela is one of the great moral and political leaders of our time: an international hero whose lifelong dedication to the fight against racial oppression in South Africa won him the Nobel Peace Prize and the presidency of his country. Since his triumphant release in 1990 from more than a quarter-century of imprisonment, Mandela has been at the centre of the most compelling and inspiring political drama in the world. As president of the African National Congress and head of South Africa"s antiapartheid movement, he was instrumental in moving the nation toward multiracial government and majority rule. He is revered everywhere as a vital force in the fight for human rights and racial equality.

Beethoven
Beethoven, the German Composer, began to lose his hearing in 1801 and was entirely deaf by 1819. However, this obstacle could not keep him from becoming one of the most famous and prolific composers in art history. His music, including 9 symphonies, 5 piano concertos,

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