雅思作文点评：老龄化快速增长的优缺点三条妙计帮你写出完美雅思作文

更新：2023年04月17日 12:15 雅思无忧

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雅思作文点评：老龄化快速增长的优缺点三条妙计帮你写出完美雅思作文

雅思作文点评：老龄化快速增长的优缺点

In many countries, the number of elderly people is increasing fast. To what extent do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

Nowadays, owning to the improvement of living condition(这里习惯用复数), people can live much longer than before, which gives rise to the fast increasing number of elderly people. Some hold that this situation will result in a series of problems, such as social burden, population expansion and so on. While others insist that it agrees the development of modern society and brings many advantages. For my part, I take the latter side with(用for) the following reasons: (74words)

点评：开头稍微写的有点长，不过内容写的还不错。属于通过分析两种不同观点，最后阐述自己观点的写法。(此种写法在雅思大作文的第一段比较常见)

美中不足的是倒数第二句的错误比较明显!while是个连词，应该连接句子与句子，所以这里前面不应该是句号。后面agree是不及物动词，不能直接加宾语。

Firstly, elder people(一会儿elderly people,一会儿又elder people，这不是自相矛盾么!!!) are the fortune of our society. They have enough experiences and capabilities which are badly lacked and needed for our youth when dealing with all sorts of problems, they can still do well in their jobs. Especially(前面应该用逗号，然后这里小写) in some professions, such as teacher, doctor, scientist and so on, sometimes (前面应该用句号，然后这里大写)age means the authority and ability. When you see a doctor, do you prefer an elderly doctor with grey hair or a youth without mustache? (77words)

Secondly, elder people(同上) are the happiness of our society. Increasing number of elderly people is also the embodiment of our improving living quality, which shows our society run(应该第三人称单数)to the right and healthy direction, we(前面句号，这里大写) have more chance and time to serve our elderly people, and it’s the happiest time of all our life to accompany with(accompany是及物动词) our parents, grandparents and great grandparents. (63words)

Finally, elderly people are the lubricant of our society. They have good temper and enough patients(应该是patience吧) to do anything, they can help us to intercede(它是不及物动词，而且主要用人作宾语) social disputes, and they make our society much more harmonious which(前面最好有个逗号)makes for the construction of harmonious society.(43words)

正文段综合点评：此篇是典型的5段式作文的写作，正文段构思出三个分论点来证明自己的观点，的确在构思上花了不少心思。但是，这里我想提的是，还是两方面都分析一下会比较好一点。特别这篇文章是问优点多还是缺点多，那么最好是缺点讲一个，然后优点再讲两个。外国人喜欢这样的辩证分析。

其次，总的来说，作者的语言还是挺流畅的。但是似乎标点有问题，该用句号的时候用逗号，改用逗号的时候用句号，这个也要扣分的!

From mentioned above, the advantages of increasing number of elderly people are obvious more than it disadvantages(典型的Chinese English.应该说there are obviously more advantages than disadvantages.). Elderly people are not the burden of our society but the source of fortune, happiness and harmony of our society.(37words)

全文总评：

尽管总的来说语言水平还是很不错的，内容也写得很充实，但缺点是语言方面还是不够细腻。此文7分。

三条妙计帮你写出完美雅思作文

　　妙计一：避免空洞的单词和词组
　　1. 一些空洞的单词或词组根本不能为句子带来任何相关的或重要的信息，完全可以被删掉。比如下面的句子：
　　When all things are considered ， young *s of today live more satisfying lives than those of their parents， in my opinion.
　　这句话当中的“ when all things are considered ”和“ in my opinion “都显得多余。完全可以去掉。改为：
　　Young *s of today live more satisfying lives than their parents.
　　2. 有些空洞和繁琐的表达方式可以进行替换，例如：
　　Due to the fact that our grandparents were under an obligation to help their parents， they did not have the options that young people have at this point in time.
　　“ due to the fact that ”就是一个很典型的繁琐的表达方式的例子，可以替换，简化为下面的表达方式：
　　Because our grandparents were obligated to help their parents， they did not have the options that young people have now.
　　妙计二：避免重复
　　1. 尽量避免重复使用同样的词汇。或者有的时候虽然词汇没有重复，但意思却有重复。这时候可以做一些简化的工作。例如下面这个例子：：
　　The farm my grandfather grew up on was large in size.
　　large 对一个 farm 来说就是 size 方面的 large ，所以 in size 可以去掉，改为：
　　The farm my grandfather grew up on was large.
　　更简洁的表达方式为：
　　My grandfather grew up on a large farm.
　　2. 有时一个词组可以用一个更简单的单词来替换，例如：
　　My grandfather has said over and over again that he had to work on his parents' farm.
　　这里的 over and over again 就可以改为 repeatedly ，显得更为简洁：
　　My grandfather has said repeatedly that he had to work on his parents' farm.
　　妙计三：选择最恰当的语法结构
　　选择合适的语法结构可以使句子意思的表达更为精确和简练。虽然语法的多样性也很重要，但选择最恰当的语法结构仍然是更为重要的考虑因素。以下原则是在考虑选择何种语法结构时可以参考的原则：
　　1. 一个句子的主语和谓语动词应该能够反映句子中的最重要的意思。例如： .
　　The situation that resulted in my grandfather's not being able to study engineering was that his father needed help on the farm.
　　从意思上来分析，上面这句话需要表达的重要的概念是“ grandfather's not being able to study ”，而在表达这个概念时，原句用的主语是 situation ，谓语动词是 was ，不能强调需要表达的重点概念，可以改为下面这句话：
　　My grandfather couldn't study engineering because his father needed help on the farm.
　　2. 避免频繁使用“ there be ”结构，例如下面的句子：
　　There were 25 cows on the farm that my grandfather had to milk every day. It was hard work for my grandfather.
　　可以改为：
　　My grandfather worked hard. He had to milk 25 cows on the farm every day.
　　更简洁的句式为：
　　My grandfather worked hard milking 25 cows daily.
　　3. 把从句改为短语或单词。例如：
　　Dairy cows were raised on the farm， which was located100 kilometers from the nearest university and was in an area that was remote.
　　简介的表达方式为：
　　The dairy farm was located in a remote area， 100 kilometers to the nearest university.
　　4. 仅在需要强调宾语而不是主语的时候，才使用被动语态。例如：
　　In the fall， not only did the cows have to be milked， but also the hay was mowed and stacked by my grandfather's family.
　　本句不够简洁的原因是本句的重心应该是“忙碌的家庭 -my grandfather's family ”，而使用了被动语态后，仿佛重心变成了 cows 和 hay 。下面的表达方式是主动语态，相对来说更简洁一些：
　　In the fall， my grandfather's family not only milked the cow but also mowed and stacked the hay.
　　5. 用更为精确的一个动词来代替动词短语，例如下面这句话：
　　My grandfather didn't have time to stand around doing nothing with his school friends.
　　Stand around doing nothing 其实可以用一个动词来表达，即 loiter ：
　　My grandfather didn't have time to loiter with his school friends.
　　6. 有时两句话的信息经过组合完全可以用一句话来简练地表达，例如：
　　Profits from the farm were not large. Sometimes they were too *all to meet the expenses of running a farm. They were not sufficient to pay for a university degree.
　　两句话的信息可以合并为下面这句更为简洁的句子：
　　Profits from the farm were sometimes too *all to meet operational expenses， let alone pay for a university degree.

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