雅思作文修改：money 雅思作文修改:是否应鼓励更多人每天穿传统服装

雅思考试主要是通过对考生听、说、读、写四个方面英语能力的考核，综合测评考生的英语沟通运用能力，实现“沟通为本”的考试理念。对于雅思考生来说，也有很多考试难点和政策盲区需要帮助解答。今天雅思无忧网小编准备了雅思作文修改：money 雅思作文修改:是否应鼓励更多人每天穿传统服装，希望通过文章来解决雅思考生这方面的疑难问题，敬请关注。

雅思作文修改：money spent on art or education

题目：Many countries spend a lot of money in art. Some people think investment in art is necessary, but others say money is better spent on improving health and education. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In the contemporary world, art cost（costs） a large figure of money. Some people claim is necessary to invest in art. But still have some people deem that fund should spend（be spent） more on improving health and education instead of art. As far as I am concerned, the first view is overly simplistic.

Speaking myself, protecting art and diffuse it, is the precondition of advancing health and education. The first instance with respect to this is that the aggression on china in the early twenty century. Union army from eight countries used force and entry Yuan-Ming Imperial Garden where save the outstanding representation of Chinese artworks. A greatest art gold mine was destroyed at that time may due to the government of Qing Dynasty inability to strengthen their military and lock of money to maintain it exist. Before long, opium was widespread in china and contributes to negative quality of generation. Second place, education has to link to art, art is a soul of nation. There is no denying that no one country educates offspring without art. To a great extent, investment in art is a significant factor contributing to the development of person happiness and enjoyment.

这段的论据有点扯远了，而且你说的有误，圆明园不是八国联军抢的，是英法联军，总之别说，英国人干的坏事

Admittedly, advancing health and education need not only vigor but fund of government. Those facilities need to maintain and invent, medical skills is become dramatically in the modern days. But when carefully weighting in mind, we may find that improving health and education are international issues, intake from international society is advisable. By contrast, art is unique for ant other country, ignore art is an inexcusable crime because art, once gone, is difficult to restore.

Overall, my view is that spend money in art is the precondition of advancing health and education. In despite of health and education is become increasingly dramatic, but those skills and facilities can intake from international society. For art, actually can not.

整篇文章我给5.5分

论据注意要由浅入深，

第一段，可以写艺术对于完善人的性格，对于个人修养的提高都是有好处的。

第二段，上升到社会的高度，投资艺术，建博物馆啊美术馆啊等，可以传承传统文化，保持民族特色

雅思作文修改:是否应鼓励更多人每天穿传统服装

注：一篇学生的习作，里面出现的问题，尤其是首段出现的问题很值得各位雅思学员注意。

希望大家看完原文的开头之后，应该思考我们课堂上所讲的文章开头的背景交代的改写方法。

Topic: In many countries people no longer wear their national costumes. They are forgetting their history and traditions, more people should be encouraged to wear their national costumes everyday. Do you agree or disagree.

原文：

In this day and age, as a pace of social development, a various kinds of clothes are winning tremendous popularity in some countries. But in the meantime, it has drawn a great deal of attention to the problem that whether more people should be encouraged to wear national clothes everyday. As far as I am concerned, people should not wear them per day.

In the first place, it is generally acknowledge that traditional clothes of some countries are unconvenient for national residents to work. It is a fact that some of their costumes, such as kimono of Japan,cheongsam of china and Korea-style cothes, they are too long and big to work. In particular policemen and doctors,these careers are hard to be done if they are wearing such clothes.

In the second place, not wearing national costumes doesnot mean their citizens forgetting their history and traditions. Some countries’ history and traditions are still studied by young children. Take Japanese as an example, they always knee down when they are eating meals.

Finally, clothes should be kept abreast with step of social development. The style of clothes can mirror the custom in a period of time in a country. Dr. Wang who especialize in sociey asses*ent supported this view in a paper. And he said that people living in this fast-pace society should wear neat clothes which are conveninet when they are working.

To sum up, I completely disagree with wiew that people wear the national clothes everyday in the current society. In my opinion, with amount of colthes into our lives,our daily lives should be colorful and fashionable.

点评：

1. 原文开头模板痕迹比较明显，而且未能将背景信息交代清楚。应该按照课上所讲审题步骤理清文章的习作思路：即，BI(Background information)+WT(writing tasks)。因此，首段应该交代好背景信息和自己的观点（已交代）。

2. 原文中部分句子之间的Cohesion出现问题。如， “Some countries’ history and traditions are still studied by young children.” 是对上句的佐证，需加入对比联系词in fact/ on the contrary

3. 文章多次出现单词拼写错误，希望引起足够重视。

4. 文章最后可以在分析不必要性之后，提出消除人们担心的办法。

修改：

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