雅思作文点评：老龄化快速增长的优缺点 看考官批作文

雅思考试主要是通过对考生听、说、读、写四个方面英语能力的考核，综合测评考生的英语沟通运用能力，实现“沟通为本”的考试理念。对于雅思考生来说，也有很多考试难点和政策盲区需要帮助解答。今天雅思无忧网小编准备了雅思作文点评：老龄化快速增长的优缺点 看考官批作文，希望通过文章来解决雅思考生这方面的疑难问题，敬请关注。

雅思作文点评：老龄化快速增长的优缺点

In many countries, the number of elderly people is increasing fast. To what extent do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

Nowadays, owning to the improvement of living condition(这里习惯用复数), people can live much longer than before, which gives rise to the fast increasing number of elderly people. Some hold that this situation will result in a series of problems, such as social burden, population expansion and so on. While others insist that it agrees the development of modern society and brings many advantages. For my part, I take the latter side with(用for) the following reasons: (74words)

点评：开头稍微写的有点长，不过内容写的还不错。属于通过分析两种不同观点，最后阐述自己观点的写法。(此种写法在雅思大作文的第一段比较常见)

美中不足的是倒数第二句的错误比较明显!while是个连词，应该连接句子与句子，所以这里前面不应该是句号。后面agree是不及物动词，不能直接加宾语。

Firstly, elder people(一会儿elderly people,一会儿又elder people，这不是自相矛盾么!!!) are the fortune of our society. They have enough experiences and capabilities which are badly lacked and needed for our youth when dealing with all sorts of problems, they can still do well in their jobs. Especially(前面应该用逗号，然后这里小写) in some professions, such as teacher, doctor, scientist and so on, sometimes (前面应该用句号，然后这里大写)age means the authority and ability. When you see a doctor, do you prefer an elderly doctor with grey hair or a youth without mustache? (77words)

Secondly, elder people(同上) are the happiness of our society. Increasing number of elderly people is also the embodiment of our improving living quality, which shows our society run(应该第三人称单数)to the right and healthy direction, we(前面句号，这里大写) have more chance and time to serve our elderly people, and it’s the happiest time of all our life to accompany with(accompany是及物动词) our parents, grandparents and great grandparents. (63words)

Finally, elderly people are the lubricant of our society. They have good temper and enough patients(应该是patience吧) to do anything, they can help us to intercede(它是不及物动词，而且主要用人作宾语) social disputes, and they make our society much more harmonious which(前面最好有个逗号)makes for the construction of harmonious society.(43words)

正文段综合点评：此篇是典型的5段式作文的写作，正文段构思出三个分论点来证明自己的观点，的确在构思上花了不少心思。但是，这里我想提的是，还是两方面都分析一下会比较好一点。特别这篇文章是问优点多还是缺点多，那么最好是缺点讲一个，然后优点再讲两个。外国人喜欢这样的辩证分析。

其次，总的来说，作者的语言还是挺流畅的。但是似乎标点有问题，该用句号的时候用逗号，改用逗号的时候用句号，这个也要扣分的!

From mentioned above, the advantages of increasing number of elderly people are obvious more than it disadvantages(典型的Chinese English.应该说there are obviously more advantages than disadvantages.). Elderly people are not the burden of our society but the source of fortune, happiness and harmony of our society.(37words)

全文总评：

尽管总的来说语言水平还是很不错的，内容也写得很充实，但缺点是语言方面还是不够细腻。此文7分。

何为高分雅思作文 看考官批作文

　　请看下面这个小作文的开头段，看似行文流水，实则欲哭无泪。

　　As can be seen from the table chart, it gives us the percentage of national consumer experience by category in 2002 in five different countries.谈及套句，小作文中“As can be seen from…”曾被列为小作文必备佳句，而孰不知此句虽好，但native speaker 常把它放在主体段落开头句。若论行文习惯，实在勉强。再者，“table chart”必会让考官在批卷的疲劳中会心一笑。但是烤鸭们，不知啊，你让他笑，他却让你人比黄花瘦，尽管他是那样的爱你。此短语翻译成中文叫“表格图”，考生自是觉得挺有中国风的感觉。但考官会认为是“这table就是表格，也就是图的一种，还后面要是再加一chart，再来一图。实为black sheep 一族”啊!南部陈更要翻译成“表格图图”?实在是具有喜感啊!再论“us”一词，感觉倒是亲民派系， 考官考生一家人啊。但是，雅思写作，半学术文体，这词总有点较为随意。所以，宁为被动，隐去施动者，换成it can be seen ,或是it represents that 等句，或许会更好点。考生最无辜的地方就是下面的这个percentage。我们都知道，衣服表格不可能只有全图一个数据，又怎会遗忘名词单复数的问题呢?最后那个“in 2002 in five different countries”，感觉起来好似是信息满满，不知道是否也是信心满满?语法老师告诉我们：当句子中同时有地点状语和时间状语时,一般要把地点状语放在时间状语之前 。要知道，不走寻常路，那是考官的作风。考生要是也这样做，哭泣大于微笑。 　　雅思作文这样批，你懂的……---系列二 　　People have, in rercent years, shown concern on the dire consequences of global warming and air pollution. Some people suggest that we should limit are travel(travelling) instead of car use. It seems to me that the objection against air travel is based on incorrect facts and stereotypes.(The)Vehicle is an integral segment of urban industrial civilization, mirroring contemporary life, in its best and unrest aspects. 　　Just as machinery is integral to industrialization, air is central to world economy.(有逻辑关系吗?)Air travels make it possible for people to move around the world freely and quickly. Today, the tips can be completed in a matter of hours. One can attend a meeting in Pairs and dinner in New York the same day. There is a growing recognition that air travels have several advantages, while(连接词使用有误，改成meanwhile)it can(补上主语) ensures(删掉s) the growth of modern business such as international touri*, transportation and express delivery ,etc. Therefore, limiting air travel itself is a grave mistake ,that (非限定从句引导词改成which)would be a severe blow to these industries and may even damage world economy. 　　It’s true that one long-distance flight consumes more fuel and causes even more pollution than a car journey. But air trips have more outweight than car journey in the long journey (什么意思?)and the numbers of passengers. However, cars also can release gases that pollution the air, and cause great damage human health. Giving up air travels for(应改成instead of) car journeys(什么意思?) hoping there will be less pollution is certainly a fruitless act. 　　According to the above *ysis, we can observe that limiting air travels cannot solve the environmental problems. We should aim at developing cleaner fuels an more efficient engines that will allow us to enjoy travelling without putting the environment in danger 　　终极点评：结构安排较好，5.5基本保证。但细节错误过多，尤其是衔接手段较为机械。

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