【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼 小弟马上要考雅思，由于第一次，没经验，希望高手能帮批改一下作文。

【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼 小弟马上要考雅思，由于第一次，没经验，希望高手能帮批改一下作文。相关内容，小编在这里做了整理，希望能对大家有所帮助，关于【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼 小弟马上要考雅思，由于第一次，没经验，希望高手能帮批改一下作文。信息，一起来了解一下吧！

本文目录一览：

• 1、【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼
• 2、小弟马上要考雅思，由于第一次，没经验，希望高手能帮批改一下作文。
• 3、雅思作文批改

【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼

【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼
1、危险的运动应该被取消 ，这样的话题出现的还是比较普遍的，相对来说也比较好写，但也因为范围太广不好找切入点，这位同学写得还不错，看看他是怎样展开思路的？
作文题目：
Some people think that
dangerous sports should be banned,but others think the people should have
freedom to choose sports activities.Discuss both views and give your opinion.
作文内容：
Extreme sports are becoming
increasingly popular due to the fact that individuals nowadays are awash with
repeated daily work and want to find something exciting to do.Although a
group of people believe that the dangerous sports should be banned,I firmly
hold the opinion that people have their rights and freedom to choose sports
activities.
There is no doubt that extreme
sports may be life-threatening.Even if the security facilities have been
improved significantly compared to the past,accidents do exist.For
instance,every year there are some people getting injured or even losing
their lives in bungee jumping as a result of the loose cords or jumping from
a inappropriate place.From this perspective,it seems that in order to protect
human beings from danger,dangerous sports should be restricted.
However,doing dangerous sports is
an effective way to alleviate stress and make people cherish their
lives.Nowadays,owing to the fast flow of information,individuals live a
fast-paced life.When they finish certain works,now ones quickly flock to them
which could breed high pressure.In this circumstance,extreme sports such as
skydiving can help them get rid of the troublesome work[A1]
as they need to totally focus on
the dangerous sports,which means,they have little time to think about their
work.Moreover,people may cherish their lives more via experiencing the
frightening feelings of death.
To conclude,although extreme
sports like bungee jumping and skydiving may be life-threatening,the
probability is quite *all.Also,the
dangerous activities are beneficial because they could alleviate stress and
make people cherish their lives.[A2] Therefore,they should be continued
and the authorities have the duty to make the security facilities more
reliable.
[A1]摆脱的不是工作，而是工作带来的压力，这里需要修改；
[A2]和上面的重复过多，缓解压力变相表达就是心情变得更加愉悦，可以从这个角度来改变表达方式，后者及意识的生命的宝贵，不可直接把上面的句子拿下来
各项细评：
针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：
结尾段的语句不够精炼，这点给整篇文章拉分。希望今后不要出现结尾段直接和上面表达雷同的情况，并且表达方式可以更加灵活
附批改原图：
雅思热文

小弟马上要考雅思，由于第一次，没经验，希望高手能帮批改一下作文。

我水平也不高,不能说批改,但我觉得你这个文章跟曾经我老师给我批过的差不多,我估计6分可以了,我肯定不能把问题全说出来,就说我看出来的吧.
第一,最关键的一点,雅思作文绝对不能写缩写,比如你写的etc shouldn't can't isn't 太多了 一定要改
第二,文章头重脚轻,自己的观点表达的不清晰,第一段可以不用那么多篇幅写孩子被迫学外语的现象,用一两句话或者一个大长句说一下就可以了,而结尾段自己的观点属于模棱两可型的,这样不好,你的观点一定要清晰,可以有让步,但坚持哪一方就是哪一方,不能说孩子小的时候要强迫学外语,长大了再自己选择.我建议这篇文章,就说让孩子凭着自己的兴趣去学.(这部分是学生的个人建议,楼主可以选择性忽略(*^__^*) )
第三,文章的部分词汇可以换成同义,但高级一点的,比如more and more,可以换a increasing number of, think可以换maintain之类
第四,文章最后一句,最好不要以劝说,感叹类的句子作为结尾,雅思文章议论文形式,一定要客观,不带感*彩.
楼主你的文采非常好,复句应用也很熟练,完全可以达到7分水平,加油!祝你考试取得高分

雅思作文批改

雅思作文批改中，关键要素不容忽视。首先，构建清晰的文章框架至关重要，如同外教老师强调的，外国人注重的是段落间的逻辑连贯。多用连接词如"firstly", "secondly", "lastly"，避免大三段模式，使文章结构层次分明。其次，句型的多样性不可忽视，避免全文单一句型，适当变换句型，如主谓句、There be句型、主系表结构等，被动语态的使用也可酌情使用。词汇的运用要广泛且准确，积累固定搭配，如"fierce competition"。举例论证是提升作文分数的有效手段，即使是基础一般的学生，通过实例来支持观点也能让文章更有说服力。审题准确是写作的基础，避免误解题目。最后，常用的表达如"cultivate independence", "enhance social awareness"等可以在写作和口语中发挥作用。一种推荐的写作模式是围绕医疗技术的争议展开论述。总的来说，结构清晰、句型丰富、恰当举例和审题严谨，都是提高雅思作文水平的关键。祝你备考顺利，取得理想成绩！如有需要，可以联系我获取更多学习资源。

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