雅思作文批改 雅思作文批改

您好，这一篇作文有几个比较大的问题：

1）选词：有几处的选词不够理想，比如 may need to lose their own benefit but generate 可能改成 may need to sacrify their own benefit。感觉整篇文章几个核心词汇用的太频繁，导致审美疲劳，比如 compete，competition，co-operate，co-operating 等，应该使用近义词替代。

2）有几处断句，比如：Also, co-operating means that getting help form others when meeting difficulties. 这里 that 引导的从句不完整，form 应该是 from。... they should be taught to co-operate
rather than compete become more useful *s. 这里的谓语动词 compete 和困桐 become 重叠了，分不出来了。

3）第二段、第三段，和第四段很绕，尤其是关于第一段和第二段关于 benefit 的，想要表汪孙坦达的意思尽管相反，但很不清楚；句子结构过于啰嗦，不够紧凑。
4）第四段的 however，位置不正确。整段应该放在 firstly 之前比较好。
5）句子有很明显的语法问题，还有一些语义表达或是用法不正确的地方，比如：may help them to grow a more devoted and stronger person. 这里的 grow a peson 是不正确的，应该改成 personality。英语可以是 to be/become a stronger person, 或是 grow/develop a stronger personality，但没有 grow a person.
6）这篇文章，您采用了：好/坏同在一个段落里，导致凯梁了文章变成了 好/坏/好/坏/好/坏 穿插，也就变成读到最后时，不确定是好的多，还是坏的多；而最终，好的只有4成（在 firstly 段落），而坏的占了6成（在 secondly 和 however 段落）也导致了您的观点变得越来越模糊了，不确定您到底是支持 competition 还是 co-operation 了。

我该写了，您看看：
In recent years, there has been a heated debate about whether children should be encouraged to have a sense of competitiveness or they should be taught to co-operate in order to become more useful *s. This short passage will demonstrate two opinions and attempt to give two reasons why I agree with the idea that children should be taught to co-operate with one another than to compete against each other.

Though there are some advantages of being competitive, such as being able to tackle problems single-handedly, improve oneself, and boost one's self-ego, it is also very dangerous that this behaviour may easily become self-proud, aggresive, and self-centred if not carefully led. Children may end up in the endless chasing and comparing cycles, and weight too much on the result of losing/winning and blind themselves throughout the process of self-building.

On the other hand, encouraging children to co-operate with one another may help them to grow a more devoted and stronger personality, thus enabling them to be better team-players. Children will learn that co-operating with others may sometimes spell sacrifice for some, yet such sacrifice may actually be beneficial to the whole team. After all, if the whole team wins, all win, if the whole team loses, all lose. They will learn the value of team-spirit.

No one is perfect, yet when people work together, we can meet and make up each other's short-comings and become perfect as a unity. By encouraging children to co-operate, they learn to face each other's weaknesses and strengths. By co-operating with one another, they learn to cope with difficulties together, and solve obstacles as a team. They will learn a chain is as strong as its weakest link, and by working together, they can strengthen this weakest link.

It is said that a single chopstick is easily broken into two, yet a bunch will be almost indestructible. With the reasons
presented above, I agree with the opinion that children should be
taught to co-operate with one another rather than to compete against each other.
希望这样的分析可以帮到您。

老师联系方式呀。。也就是他本人名字。

老师自己的证书呀

首先呢 这个老师是外籍小哥哥，感觉教学思路和国内的培训班衡槐有点不同，完全不赞同模版作文

这老师的理念就是一篇文章要反复修改才能进步

先和他聊了很多雅思作文的误区，然后就试着让他给我指出一些方法，帮我修改我自己的作文。

之后才觉得运气非常好找到这个老师，非常耐心而且认真，专业水平也非常高。每次还给我布置作业，两百字的作文给我了90个备注。有总体评论有细节评论，总体结构和语法咐尘友词汇全部都非常详细的教我。而且批改过后有问题可以随时联系他问问题。重写过后还免费批改。最重要的是他全部都是用我自己原来的观点，还帮我改写到9分哈哈 敲厉害的啊

还有就是他会针对我的薄弱环节设置不同的练习，有针对性的练习，并且在我快临近考试的时候给了我一个语法专项的练习，我觉得语法对我后来的出分还是有相当大的帮助的。

总之就是相当感谢这个这么负责的老师哈哈哈雅思分手全靠这老师

希望久久不能出坑的小伙伴们也能早日分手啦！兄拿毕竟考试费用越来越高了。。。

大家可以都可以这老师聊一下呀，毕竟咨询是免费的嘻嘻！

祝大家考试都顺利啦！

雅思作文批改第四弹 [网络可以替代学校吗]

Some people believe that school are no longer necessary, because students can get so much information through the Internet,and study just as well at home.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
审题:
1. 题干: 网络时代, 学校不再必要. A/D 没有陷阱
2. 结构：开头段 + 让步好游 + 观点段 + 结尾段
3. 观点：internet 优点 （方便，信息量大）， 但同时有缺点（互动，要求时间管理和自律，信息筛查，信息碎片化）
学校优点（综合能力发展）
开头段
①It has been claimed that nowdays pupils can gain a variety numbers of learning resources from the Internet, and it is the same for students to study at home, ②so there is no need for school to educate students. ③From my perspective,i do not agree with this statement.
[1]有用法错误和意思错误
a. nowadays 而不是 nowdays
b. a variety numbers of 是错误用法. 可以用 a large variety of 或者 a variety of
c. 果芹袜雀你这里说家里学习和学校学习same的话 后面论证学校的优点就没意义了, 用from the internet, which makes it possible for students to
[2] so there is no need 和前面的it has been claimed 太远了. 可以改成Some claim
schooling is no longer needed as pupil can gain a variety of learning resources from the internet, which make it possible for students to study at home.
[3] 我一向嫌早建议直接 I disagree with them 就可以了， 不用搞那些花花。
[4] 综: Some claim schooling is no longer needed as pupil can gain a variety of learning resources from the internet, which make it possible for them to study at home. I disagree with them.
让步驳斥段
① Internet is a powerful tool to engage students,because it can make lesson more interesting. ② Students can study whenever or wherever they want at their own pace by using online study resources. ③ In addition,pupils can learn some employable skills which can make them secure a decent job in the future. ④ For example,they can learn how to write reports using word processor which cannot be seen in school curriculum. ⑤ Therefore, learners can receive well-rounded knowledge through the Internet.
[1][2] 要学会整合信息, 不然读起来毫无逻辑性. With abundant information available on line, Internet can serve as a charming and convenient tool for study as it enables students to enjoy knowledge acquisition, study whenever and wherever possible and learn things at their own pace.
[3]a. employable skills 这是个奇怪的说法useful/practical skills都是常见的用法
b. secure a decent job for them
c. Also, students can learn from the internet some practical knowledge and skills excluded from school courses to secure a decent job for themselves.
[4] 这个文字处理牵强了点吧, 我觉得还不如说 how to programme or use popular software
[5] 这句没必要咯
综: 这个最好是把两个观点顺序调一下头, 先说能学到, 再说能让人有兴趣地方便地学.
First of all, students can learn from the Internet some practical knowledge and skills excluded from school courses to secure a decent job for themselves. With abundant information available online, furthermore, Internet can serve as a charming and convenient tool for study as it enables students to enjoy knowledge acquisition, study whenever and wherever possible and learn things at their own pace.
观点段
①However, Internet is no substitute for schools, because school knows what study materials to choose and learners need a structured course. ②There is not doubt that there are a massive numbers of information, but it is too hard for students to figure out whether it is useful or not. ③Thus,pupils may spend too much time on filtering ineffective information and searching valuable resources which seems time-wasting for learners. ④Furthermore, Internet can easily distract students from studying, because there are so many online games in contemporary, without school’s supervision ,pupils may addicted to online gaming and drop out of studying.
[1] school knows what study materials to choose and learners need a structured course. 这一句稍微有点问题, and 后面不应该变换主语. because schools can choose study materials and plan courses according to the academic ability of their students.
[2] 表意不到位 The abundance of information online is not as useful as it seems to be for it is too hard for students to figure out which is suitable for them.
[3] 车轱辘话, 前面说了 too much, 后面没必要再说time - wasting了
[4] a. in contemporary 没必要 there is 就表明时间了, 这里可以用beckon to them 诱惑着他们.
b. 如果后面不加解释 如此..以至于 的话, 前面不要用so
c. without前面肯定要断句的
d. addicted 前面要加become
e. drop out of study 一般drop out 和 school 用, 但这里有点严重了. 说slack off够了吧
后面说一个原因as they are often not able to discipline themselves and manage time well.
综: However, Internet is no substitute for schools mainly because schools can choose study materials and plan courses according to the level of their students. In addition, the abundance of information online is deceivingly useful as it is time - consuming for students to figure out which is suitable for them. Lastly, Internet can easily distract students from studying, as there are so many online games beckoning to them. Without the supervision of school ,pupils may become addicted to online gaming and slack off as they are often not able to discipline themselves and manage time well.
这一段完成得偏了, 应该从学校的角度来写
结尾段
From the discussion above, it is ridiculous to say that school are no longer necessary, as schooling can do more than just knowledge delivery. And if students can make full use of online resources it will definitely serve as commentary means to school education and help them to have better grades.(251 words)
Task Response 5.0
Coherence & Cohesion 5.0
Lexical Resources 5.5
Grammar Accuracy 5.0
Overall 5.0
观点安排失当. 包括断句在内的基本语法错误. 定语从句的分类不懂.
需要改进的第一就是整篇结构, 学会安排观点, 第二学会断句
这两点做到了先拿到5.5

我又无聊来帮别个改雅思了。。。。

1. in present-day big cities..好别扭的用法啊。。。。我不太习惯哈。。貌似没错就是了。。

2. daily life就已经有everyday的意思了，所以楼主不用再加个everyday。建议这句用一般进行时，再把daily换成routine。其他可以不变。

3. be allocated to 后面直接加地方，去掉move to。不过我觉得用reallocted好点吧。毕竟这个貌似再说已经存在于市区的工厂。

4. however 有开头就OK了，不用后面加个though感觉好口语，而且意思重复。

5. have difficulty in doing sth。

6. where=in which place 建议去掉in

7. great though the number 我读不懂呢。。

8. consist of 貌似是个动词短语吧。。。

9. citizens of the firms and schools? 额 citizen 是市民啊。后面怎么所属于firm 和school了啊，拿workers，teachers，students呢。。。。不要在雅思作文用so on。。好点的用so and the forth。。高级点的etc. 或者to name a few

10. countryside和uptown是指的一个意思么，楼主check下。。我有点怀疑。

11. it does not

12. allow 谁 去修更多路呀？

大概就掘庆历这些。。不过感觉楼主貌似对好多词、句的用法都不是很了解，可能是最近才学到的，觉得很不错，就想在雅思作文里用用。。。所以读起来有点别扭。。。然后整体上，楼主你偏题了。。。。你完全没有说companies和factories，就仅仅重点在人身上。。。如：差哗工厂和公司有没有因为占地面积过大的问题，而导致了城区给予市民的活动空间和居住空间减判搜少；或者是因为它们的选址，造成了大量雇员不得不在上下班时间大量的涌入这些地区，从而造成交通堵塞呢？然后不要忽略了housing的问题啊。。题目也问题了的。。。

然后楼主你用来支持你观点的理论好少，而且薄弱。。。希望加强。。

最后祝你考雅思顺利。。