让你的雅思作文简洁完美的三条建议 Ken老师点评:雅思作文学生习作(1)

更新：2023年04月25日 09:24 雅思无忧

雅思考试主要是通过对考生听、说、读、写四个方面英语能力的考核，综合测评考生的英语沟通运用能力，实现“沟通为本”的考试理念。对于雅思考生来说，也有很多考试难点和政策盲区需要帮助解答。今天雅思无忧网小编准备了让你的雅思作文简洁完美的三条建议 Ken老师点评:雅思作文学生习作(1)，希望通过文章来解决雅思考生这方面的疑难问题，敬请关注。

让你的雅思作文简洁完美的三条建议

　　很多学生在练习英文作文时，认为长句、难句或复杂句能够提升文章的语言质量，展示自己“深厚”的语言功底，并因此获得更高的分数。他们在备考复习时也花了很多精力在长句的练习上，考试时也会尽量使用长句。这种想法确实有一定的道理，因为很多考试如新托福的写作科目评分标准中确实有从语法或用词的多样性等角度考察语言质量的评分项目，考生如果能够熟练地运用各种句式写出精彩的长句，确实能给文章增色不少。

　　然而，雅思中国网雅思专家认为：一味地追求句子的长度有时反而会牺牲句子的“可读性”，特别是对一些基础一般的学生来说，有时生硬地追求长句反而破坏了句子的句法准确性。下面我们就来看一些例子，体会一些写得并不成功的长句和怎样修改的建议：

　　建议一：避免空洞的单词和词组

　　1. 一些空洞的单词或词组根本不能为句子带来任何相关的或重要的信息，完全可以被删掉。比如下面的句子：

　　When all things are considered, young *s of today live more satisfying lives than those of their parents, in my opinion。
　　这句话当中的“when all things are considered”和“in my opinion“都显得多余。完全可以去掉。改为：
　　Young *s of today live more satisfying lives than their parents。

　　2. 有些空洞和繁琐的表达方式可以进行替换，例如：

　　Due to the fact that our grandparents were under an obligation to help their parents, they did not have the options that young people have at this point in time。
　　“due to the fact that”就是一个很典型的繁琐的表达方式的例子，可以替换，简化为下面的表达方式：
　　Because our grandparents were obligated to help their parents, they did not have the options that young people have now。

　　建议二：避免重复

　　1. 尽量避免重复使用同样的词汇。或者有的时候虽然词汇没有重复，但意思却有重复。这时候可以做一些简化的工作。例如下面这个例子：:

　　The farm my grandfather grew up on was large in size。
　　large 对一个farm来说就是size方面的large，所以in size可以去掉，改为：
　　The farm my grandfather grew up on was large。

　　更简洁的表达方式为：

　　My grandfather grew up on a large farm。

　　2. 有时一个词组可以用一个更简单的单词来替换，例如：

　　My grandfather has said over and over again that he had to work on his parents' farm。
　　这里的over and over again就可以改为repeatedly，显得更为简洁：
　　My grandfather has said repeatedly that he had to work on his parents' farm。

　　建议三：选择最恰当的语法结构

　　选择合适的语法结构可以使句子意思的表达更为精确和简练。虽然语法的多样性也很重要，但选择最恰当的语法结构仍然是更为重要的考虑因素。以下原则是在考虑选择何种语法结构时可以参考的原则：

　　1. 一个句子的主语和谓语动词应该能够反映句子中的最重要的意思。例如：.

　　The situation that resulted in my grandfather's not being able to study engineering was that his father needed help on the farm。
　　从意思上来分析，上面这句话需要表达的重要的概念是“grandfather's not being able to study”，而在表达这个概念时，原句用的主语是situation，谓语动词是was，不能强调需要表达的重点概念，可以改为下面这句话：
　　My grandfather couldn't study engineering because his father needed help on the farm。

　　2. 避免频繁使用“there be”结构，例如下面的句子：

　　There were 25 cows on the farm that my grandfather had to milk every day. It was hard work for my grandfather。

　　可以改为：
　　My grandfather worked hard. He had to milk 25 cows on the farm every day。

　　更简洁的句式为：
　　My grandfather worked hard milking 25 cows daily。

　　3. 把从句改为短语或单词。例如：

　　Dairy cows were raised on the farm, which was located100 kilometers from the nearest university and was in an area that was remote。

　　简介的表达方式为：
　　The dairy farm was located in a remote area, 100 kilometers to the nearest university。

　　4. 仅在需要强调宾语而不是主语的时候，才使用被动语态。例如：

　　In the fall, not only did the cows have to be milked, but also the hay was mowed and stacked by my grandfather's family。

　　本句不够简洁的原因是本句的重心应该是“忙碌的家庭-my grandfather's family”，而使用了被动语态后，仿佛重心变成了cows和hay。下面的表达方式是主动语态，相对来说更简洁一些：

　　In the fall, my grandfather's family not only milked the cow but also mowed and stacked the hay。

　　5. 用更为精确的一个动词来代替动词短语，例如下面这句话：

　　My grandfather didn't have time to stand around doing nothing with his school friends。
　　Stand around doing nothing其实可以用一个动词来表达，即loiter：
　　My grandfather didn't have time to loiter with his school friends。

　　6. 有时两句话的信息经过组合完全可以用一句话来简练地表达，例如：

　　Profits from the farm were not large. Sometimes they were too *all to meet the expenses of running a farm. They were not sufficient to pay for a university degree。

　　两句话的信息可以合并为下面这句更为简洁的句子：

　　Profits from the farm were sometimes too *all to meet operational expenses, let alone pay for a university degree。

Ken老师点评:雅思作文学生习作(1)

题目：Some people believe the fittest and strongest individual and team achieve the great success in the sports. Others believe success depends on their mental attitudes. Discuss on both sides. What is your opinion?

Sports, no matter what their scales are, are the combination of intelligent and psychological factors and physical power of team members. To pursue success in sports, these factors are all indispensable and interactive.
(Comments: 1.(Don’t repeat your mistakes!))

Some people may argue that the only determinant for winning a sport is the physical strength of the team members. Namely, the stronger the individuals are, the higher possibilities the team will succeed in a competition event. We have to admit that the majority of sports require team members to have fit and powerful bodies. However, we should also notice that competition with other teams is not fighting with them. It is hard to image that a group of strongest apes win a game against a team of higher intelligent creatures.

( Comments: 2.(Pay close heed to the fact that you should use the noun form to function as the subject !) (Object clause is a good choice, and the non-predicate structure is also acceptable, yet never confuse them!))

Intelligent and psychological factors, therefore, play another part of important role in sports. Provided that a team is equipped with the strongest team members, it is still less likely for them to succeed in one game if its members are pessimistic and lack of strategies in competing with other teams. One famous case which can illustrate the importance of mental attitude and intelligent factors is that the Chinese football team’s successful entrance in the World Cup. The motto of that team’s coach is that attitude determinates everything. With the guidance of their coach, Chinese football players finally won the entrance competition with the support of positive attitude and appropriate strategies.

(Comments: 3. (Excellent! Very good application of exemplification!)

(The original slogan of the Chinese football team is “Attitude is everything!”) What you used here may seem a little Chinglish.)

Intelligent and mental power and the physical strength of team members are mutually influencing one another. The advantage of physical condition may probably add confidence to team members and inspire their best psychological state. On the other hand, the optimistic and positive attitudes are most likely to stimulate the best potential of individuals and bring them encouragement and ultimately lead to success. It can therefore be arguably concluded that mental attitude and physical condition are both significant in pursuing a team’s victory.

Very excellent as a whole!

Just keep up the good work and do the same in IELTS exam!

Pay close attention to details!

Grades: 7

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